Death by choice...

It was the winter of 1996; Bokaro Steel Plant, Bihar.

The molten steel was flowing like yellow river from the blast furnace. My eyes were fixed.

“Mani?”

“Mani?”

“Mani, where are you lost?”

“No sir! Just looking at this steel, flowing like water! Never imagined that steel can flow like this! When I look at this, I wonder, is steel really hard and strong as all will think or it’s like water, as I see it now?! I feel there is no absolute truth in this world!”

He laughed. “Idiot, go and check the levels...philosophy later!”

Philosophy always comes later, first is our work, mundane and daily work. So, I had to shut my thoughts, and immerse in my work.

That night, I saw myself being melted into water and flown into a small pit, like the steel flowed. The pit closed. No tombstone. No trace. Somebody laughed.

I woke up, sweating heavily. Startled. Death startles everybody. Suddenly I remembered Anand; Anand Ranthidevan. With whom I studied together in REC, Trichy for four years.

Nothing startled him - Even death.

Anand Ranthidevan died on 3rd October, 2011, along with his wife, Deepa. He was 39, she was 36. It was their choice to die. They left a small note, that they lived a happy and fullest life, and find no more reason to live.

Anand and I were together in chemical engineering, REC, Trichy.

Philosophy, of-course is not taught in engineering colleges. So we never exchanged notes or referred to books. But, Anand radiated philosophy in a different way. His arguments used to amuse me, and at times scare me, the conservative ‘Srirengam school boy’.

“Who said it is not right?”

“Ok, I feel so”

“Why you feel so?”

“Because you can’t hurt anybody for your happiness”

“Ha-ha Really Mani? Think about it again! How many living things you hurt everyday! Can you really live without killing or hurting something or somebody? The fittest survive Mani. That’s the philosophy of life! You have not read that? The whole world is how we see it and how we live. Don’t get fooled by what people preach! Life is ours and we are responsible to only ourselves!”

I remember how he convinced me to take him and others to my small home. (“To take people home you don’t need a big house, you just need a big heart Mani!”) I remember how he fooled me to mix ice-cream with soft drink, knowing well that I won’t like it, and then took it away from me! (“Hahaha, I just wanted it for myself!”)

Initially, I was not comfortable with my discussions with him. Most of the guys were not. His questions would make you uncomfortable.

But, he was comfortable with me. Those days I have not learnt to pretend. And, he liked it. He used give me a wide grin, and chat up with me. He used to laugh at me and my philosophy on life. His forthrightness, dipped in sharp wit could penetrate any defence. I have seen him tearing the guys apart in class, canteen, anywhere. He was seldom seen in a company, and yet he was popular.

I remember the arousing extempore speech he gave in the basket ball court, a day before we went on strike against the college management. I remember his smart preparations for exams and how he used get as much marks as he needed. He never had trouble in being smart chap.

But, he never really was a part of the world he lived in. He lived in his own world, with his own rules, if at all he had any!

He was a philosopher who lived it, and never preached it. Slowly, I was drawn to him as he challenged convincingly what has been taught to me all along. It made me question things. Indeed his contribution in my ‘growing up’ may be much more than what I ever thought to be.

He found the world hypocritical. He found pretensions all around. He lived as if he is immune to the pretensions. He lived for himself.  Whatever happiness he got out of his karate, his ice creams, his laughter- he lived it, fully.

I did wonder once, what will he do when the karate, ice-creams and books fail to enthrall him? Will he find a lady who will interest him enough?

He indeed found Deepa interesting, and they got married in Bangalore. I remember his laughter in the phone “I did not send you a marriage invitation Mani, because, I never printed any!” I was not surprised a bit.

Then, I lost touch with him in the midst of chaotic life. At times, Anand would show up in my mind, with that laughter. I wanted to catch-up with him, and surprise him how much I have changed! How much I realise that world is indeed in our mind, as he used to say.

But, then, that day never came. Only the news of his death came. Destiny has strange ways of mocking at us; at our pretensions; at the reasons we invent to live; wife, kids, family, friends, society. Endless list of pretensions!

So, when I stop pretending, will I stop living, like Anand? Or continue to live midst pretensions, till they claim me one day?

What claimed Anand? Nobody will ever know for sure. But, I am sure that Anand never had unanswered questions. He was sure, always, even in his death.

RIP.